This is hard to write. Something terrible has happened and I can’t bring myself to even type it. Because when you don’t talk about something terrible that has happened, it’s easier to pretend it hasn’t happened. And it would be so wonderful if it hadn’t.
This incident has caused Shane and I to choose to force poor little Eliza into this world as soon as we can. She is healthy and perfect but Shane must fly to North Carolina to be with his family on Saturday (one day after Eliza’s due date). He will not leave me pregnant and so that only leaves the option of induction.
I’m trying to be comfortable with this. It was only a week ago that I was trying to convince Shane that it was a good option just for logistics sake. And now I find myself absolutely terrified about the reality of forcing a baby to be born before she is ready.
I’m afraid of getting pitocin and then needing an epidural because the unnaturally excruciating pain. I’m afraid of having a c-section. I’m afraid that she will be traumatized and that I will be in so much pain that I won’t be able to hold and care for her the way I’ve imagined I would.
I secretly want to force Shane to go to NC even though she isn’t here. But I know that will just cause him more stress and make it difficult to do what he needs to do.
*later in the day*
I spent the majority of the day checking my cell every 5 minutes to see if I had missed the midwife’s phone call. I first called at 8:30am and she didn’t get a chance to call me until 1:40pm! I was so stressed! But I did get three loads of laundry done and cleaned the kitchen and kid’s bathroom as a way to distract myself.
I’ve scheduled the induction for 4pm tomorrow (Tuesday). They administer the cervidil around 5pm and it stays in for 12 hours, unless it causes me to go into real labor before then. After the 12 hours, if I haven’t gone into labor, they start the pitocin. So, she should be born some time on Wednesday.
I wish I could be excited and happy to know that I will get to meet her in just two days. But. I don’t feel great about this. I can’t wait until it’s all over and I’m holding her and I don’t have worry about all the things that could go wrong.
The nice thing is that Shane has already scheduled his bereavement and paternity leave starting tomorrow so we will get to spend some time together before heading over to the hospital. Hopefully that will help me to stop feeling so anxious. Oh! Maybe I will sneak over to Pinkberry and treat myself to a $5 cup of frozen yogurt!