I have over 50 unpublished blog posts. Some are heartfelt confessions I was too afraid to post and some are about hikes I’ve done. I’m going to go through them and will be publishing some of them over the next few weeks. This one I wrote a little over a year ago. I was definitely afraid to post it. But I think things have gotten a little better and so I don’t mind publishing it. I think it’s actually a good lesson that I should keep in mind when I start to put myself down for not being a good enough mom, wife, daughter and friend.
It doesn’t happen often but some days when Shane gets home, I don’t have the energy to greet him. My face and body are devoid of life. I am starving because the kids won’t leave me alone to feed myself. I feel defeated because I have accomplished nothing on my to-do list. I feel like a failure because my kids are miserable and crying. And I must disappoint Shane with the bad news that I have no idea what we’re going to eat for dinner.
I feel that nothing of my former optimistic, motivated and creative self is left. Like the life has been sucked from me and my only purpose in life is to serve people. At which I am failing miserably.
Last week I had a bad day. A really bad day. I was feeling overwhelmed by everything I wasn’t doing. And then the next day, I managed to get everything on my to-do list done. I was happy, satisfied and proud of myself. It got me thinking that I wouldn’t be so happy if I hadn’t been so unproductive the previous day.
How would I feel if every day I got my entire to-do list done, I successfully entertained and engaged the kids, I fed my family a fresh meal and I was in a good mood when Shane got home? Every. Day.
Wouldn’t my success become commonplace and no longer provide satisfaction? Where would the challenge and life experience come from?
Everything I struggle with helps me to have empathy for others. I know people say that raising kids is hard. But those are just words. Experience is the only way to truly understand what someone is going through. And because of how far I feel I’ve sunk, it makes it that much more difficult to judge another parent who isn’t getting things done or makes questionable parenting choices.
So maybe these terrible, awful, worst days of my life are really sort of a blessing. Perspective. I’ll take some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. (Name that movie!)